So I made this for a kid in the Questionable Content group on facebook.

If you read QC you’ll get it. If not, why not?

DO IT.

Spoiler ahead…

“Who is this Jezebel Flynn and why is she on my internet?” you may ask.

Well, you, specifically, may not be asking anything, but some one, somewhere, is. You can eavesdrop on my answer if you like.

This is what I’ve learned about me after living with myself for eighteen years.

1. Every year on my birthday, I get a year older.

2. I’m a very good liar.

3. I’m also pretty good at spitting. I’m like a camel that way.

4. I am not like a camel in that I get dehydrated very fast. I regularly have three different kids of drinks with me while I’m on the computer. I drink an ungodly amount of green tea.

5. I have an Amelie hair cut, but I’d look much more like Amelie if I didn’t dye my hair what my stylist calls “Addison red”.

My hair has never ever looked like this. My stylist is on crack.

6. It’s a Wonderful Life is my second favorite movie of all time.

7. Hard-boiled eggs gross me out.

8. I watch Thumbelina when I’m in a bad mood. There were points in high school when I could recite the whole movie from memory, but I haven’t been able to watch it lately because there isn’t a working VCR in my house.

9. I have an icky wart on my right pinkie finger.

10. I live near the west side of Chicago in a house that is over a century old and makes the noises to prove it. My house makes so many noises that lately I’ve become quite bad at sleeping.

11. I don’t have a job, but I’ve applied for five in the last week, so hopefully that will change soon.

12. Last semester, I lived in Japan to work as a nanny for my cousins: Spunky (2), Grumpy (4), Giggles (6), and Turtle (8). Now I’m going to community college two days a week with an undecided major. Which would you rather be doing?

13. When my grandma was alive and living in a retirement home, I used to say “triskaidekaphobia” as many times as I could on the way up the elevator, because there was no thirteenth floor and I like long words.

14. I have a little brother, Chief, who is my favorite person in the entire world.

15. I freeze up faster than you would think humanly possible if I suspect someone of flirting with me.

16. I make the best cheesecake in Cook County.

17. Next year, I’m going to Hofstra University, but I suspect I’ll still have no idea what I want to major in when I do get there.

18. I can name all fifty states, but I couldn’t tell you where half of them are.

19. My number one top dream vacation spot is Bergen, Norway. Too bad it’s crazy expensive.

20. I really really really like cheese. Like, a lot. My mom got me a huge cheddar wheel for Christmas this year, and it was divine.

21. I took ballet for ten years, and quit finally when my mom caught me ditching class at the library.

22. I can’t go to the library anymore because I owe them about forty dollars in late fees, so I buy all my books from a thrift store a few blocks from my house.

23. I read a lot of books. My favorite book is Wicked by Gregory Maguire. He’s my favorite author.

24. If I had a daughter, I would name her Fuchsia after the flower, but if I had a son I would name him Gabriel, after the angel. This is weird even to me, because I’m an atheist and I don’t believe in angels. Nonetheless, I’m a big fan of angelology. I might also name a daughter Kaylee, after the character on Firefly, or a son Wesley, after Westley in The Princess Bride, whose name is better without the T. I want kids more than anything else in the world.

25. I think twenty-five facts is more than enough for one of these lists.

xJezebel

This, ladies and gentlemen, is an ugly blog.

In honor of my brand new ugly blog, a few ugly things.

Obesity. Don’t do it.

Unless, of course, you’re looking to be an example for everyone else. In which case, feel free to stay home for the rest of your life.

And on that note:

Hummers: because sometimes you just want to show off your small penis.
Limos: because sometimes you just want to show off your class.
Zebra stripes: because sometimes you’d like to get stalked and eaten by someone in leopard print.

Hummer limos with zebra stripes: because sometimes you have a small penis and no class and you’d really like to show your boss why he should have hired someone else.

ANYONE else.

Also, sometimes your date dresses like this.

Basically, just don’t do it.

Ann Coulter, also.

I just don’t like her. She looks like my 3rd grade math tutor who liked to elaborate about her husband, The Author, who was going to take her to France for retirement. Which, I guess, was why she didn’t feel the need to teach me any math?

Who knows, but that’s a big “Fuck you, Ms. Conroy!” I hope you read this and cry.

Huitlacoche, which I first became aware of because of this.
Maybe it’s actually delicious, but really, if it looks like that, I’m not sure you’re allowed to eat it.

Just don’t do it, okay?

Then, of course, there’s Pamela Anderson without make-up, Wierd Al, the plans for the Chicago Spire, that horrible dog that always pops up on these lists and who I am, after so long, actually sort of fond of, the lead singer of Smash Mouth’s weird little beard (I can’t help it. It’s terrible.), Jenna Jameson a month ago, Madonna’s hands, the Tokyo Tower, the Mona Lisa, the creepy girl on edressme that they use to model almost every dress and her d

ead eyes, horse shit, The Real World is still on but Wonderfalls and Firefly were canceled, and, of course, this blog.

I’ll get on that.

Love,
Jezebel

…okay, here’s Sam: